My heart!

When I was pregnant with Landan, (about five years ago) my mom had a lot of advice to give me.  She told me a lot and was incredibly helpful and I am very grateful for all she did and said.  Unfortunately, I really only remember one thing.  She has said this to me multiple times, my dad has even said it once or twice.  I honestly don't think I could forget it now if I tried.
"Having a child is like having your heart living outside your body."
I didn't fully understand this until I held my first child in my arms.  I think I learn new meanings of this almost everyday.  I saw a new layer of this last week.  I have known that Landan has always had struggles with things in his life.  He gets very overwhelmed by things, and he panics over things he can't control.  He has many battles in his mind over a lot of things and I really believed that by putting him in school he would find the structure and order he would need to get over these things or find a way to deal with these things.  Watching my son struggle over these things is very difficult for my.
Heartbreaking.
What is even more difficult is knowing that school might not help him.  I think he is going to need a lot more help.  I will tell you, no matter what it is that he needs, I will do it.  No matter what the problem is, my heart will get the help he needs to make this life more bearable.

Nanny Diaries

Landan has been in school for a little over a month and I am so excited by how he is doing and all of the friends he is making.  I was inspired to start to talk to some of the other moms and get to know them too.  So last week we went on field trip and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to get to know some of them.  I started with one mom who seemed to have kids around my boys ages or close enough, so we were talking and she made it known very quickly that she was not their mom, she was the nanny.  Ok.  I was wrong about that one.  I started to scan the group and started to wonder who else I was wrong about.  Almost all of the kids in school have nannies, some have au pairs, and almost all of them have some one who helps them regularly helps them with there TWO kids.
One woman told me she has her au pair watch her youngest while she drops her son off at school.  I leave my youngest in the van while I run in to drop Landan off a school.  I lock the doors and run really fast.  Do you know how hard it is lug the twins in those carriers?
On Thursday, I over heard two nannies planning a play date for two of the boys in his class.  I guess my plan for getting to know some of the moms is going to be me getting to know some of the nannies.
The irony of it all is, I think some of them don't even work!
Oh well!

Preschool

                                      Landan getting ready for school.  I think he was excited!

Here he is ready to learn!

Last week Landan started school.  He goes to preschool Tues, Wed, Thurs, for only three hours.  I was a wreak last week.  I was really worried that he was going to have major separation anxiety.  I expected him to throw major fits when I left, so for weeks ahead of time I worked with him to avoid this at all costs.

When that Thursday came, we all got ready and actually got out on time and worked our way over to school.  He was a champ!  He didn't get at all upset, he actually left me just fine.  So I ran out the door!  However, when I went to pick him up, I was completely sideswiped with a totally different issue I hadn't expected.  He apparently had four temper tantrums that morning.  When Landan throws a fit, everyone within a mile radius knows that Landan is upset.  When his teacher told me, all of my excitement from the morning goodbyes was deflated.  I knew there was going to be a transition period, but four fits in three hours is crazy!  We had to talk and talk we did.  All weekend we talked about how big boys use words and talk about what they are feeling and not scream about it.  We talked about how our actions affect others around us.  On Sunday night, after three days of talking about his bad day, Landan decided that he wanted to "try school again" (his words).  Tuesday comes and goes (with crazy anticipation all morning) and when I go to pick him up, his teacher tells me that she is amazed at his change!  I am thrilled at this news.  I am very hopeful of great changes in him this year and I cannot believe just how different he is in just one week!

"Vacation"

We all have done it!  I know I have, and if you are honest with yourself, you have done it too!  You buy a new book you have wanted for a while.  You make a new playlist on your ipod.  You get to lookin' your best and buy yourself a treat (I always got a way over priced cup of coffee).  You settle in your seat on the plane early on and you watch everyone walk on the plane.  You start to play the guessing game.  Who is going to sit by me?  Please tell me that lady with the kid isn't sitting here.
Now picture my crazy crew walking down the isle.  It gives a new meaning to the saying "if looks could kill..."  We are a frequent flyers worst nightmare.  I wish I could wear a video camera to show everyone the crazy looks I get on a regular basis, but this trip was especially crazy.  I am not sure if everything was magnified this time with all of our stuff, we had a lot of stuff.  The hardest part is that I know that we look crazy and that we did probably drive everyone on the flight nuts, but that didn't stop me from wanting to telling some people off.
"Have a little sympathy, you may have been slightly inconvenienced on your flight but you can go back to your perfectly, awesome life in a couple of hours and you will be no worse for ware.  I, on the other hand, bring this crazy with me everywhere I go".  This is what I would have said if I had been in my right mind and if I wasn't trying to keep all of my children happy, feed, dry, entertained and from running amuck in the airport terminal.
Sympathy, thats all I want!  Is that too much to ask for?
:)

All our loot!  People actually ran away from us!

The Move!

So we moved and as anticipated, there was not a dull moment!  I cannot begin to describe the insanity, so I will just give you highlights of the weekend.
Thursday:
We had no power all day!  It was 95 degrees that day, a lot of fun for us.
We celebrated Landan's 4th birthday at "Club Chuckie", I mean Chuck E Cheese.  WOW!
Ethan, my five month old baby, got punched in the face by a little girl at the party.  Fun!
Friday:
Lost power, again, for about an hour.
Rushed to finish packing!
Found out Uhaul lost our reservation, so had to completely change around our plan for the whole weekend.
Saturday:
Had the women's retreat (totally distracted).
Got stuck in crazy traffic rushing home.
Lucas picked up truck, which had no parking brake.
Loads up the truck with some guys, while I take the boys to hang out at my moms for a few hours.
We "sleep" on an air mattress with no sheet and no pillows.
The boys sleep on their mattresses on the floor.
Sunday:
I go to Women's service with two babies, Lucas takes the big boys with him in the truck to his service.
We meet at the new house so I can take all four boys to my moms.
I go to old house to clean at about 2:30 pm, have to be out at 5 pm.
At 4:30 new tenants show up and I am no where near done.
Finally finish a little after 5, but it doesn't look like I want it to but I don't really care any more!

This was, by far, one of the craziest weekends of my life!  I think it took us like three days to recover.  I seriously don't ever want to move again!
I won't even go into the nonsense that is going on with our old landlord, who is refusing to give us our deposit back until we do all this extra work on HER house for her.  Or the fact that our box-spring doesn't fit upstairs, so we are sleeping on just the mattress.
I will be so happy when we can throw away the last box, when we can get the boys back on a regular schedule, when we can finally say it is all over!

Note to self: Don't move again for a very, long time.

As I write this I am surrounded by mountains of boxes and empty white walls.  The twins are on the floor with nothing to play with and the big boys are upstairs playing with a few empty boxes.  You haven't really lived until you decide to move with four little ones.  I don't know what we were thinking, but we are in the midst of a move.  Everyday, on top of our normal craziness, I pack a few boxes and clean a few things in preparation of our move this weekend.  This weekend isn't just our move, it is also a women's retreat and Landan's 4th birthday.  How did that happen?  Why is it all happening at the same time?  I want to go to sleep Friday night and wake up Sunday night and it all be over!  Is that possible?  I keep telling myself, it is going to work out and I just have to be calm.  I think I have been telling myself that for the last year and it has worked out, way better than I expected.  So I guess this move will be no different.  I should have some interesting and crazy stories to post after this experience!   :)

Updated pictures

Feeling stressed!

"You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time". -Abraham Lincoln (I think)

I don't think I really knew the true meaning of this quote until I had kids, especially the twins.  I have never felt pulled in so many directions as I have these last four months.  It seems like at least one of my kids is unhappy almost all the time.  Maybe a bit of an exaggeration (but not by much).  First thing in the morning the babies need to eat, I sit down to feed them and Landan tells me he is hungry.  I get Landan breakfast and the babies need to be changed.  It seems like as soon as one thing gets done, something else is waiting around the corner.  I try my hardest to keep my cool but I have to admit, I don't always do so well.  I wish I had another me, someone to help change 15 diapers a day, someone to clean 10 bottles a day, someone to cook 3 meals a day (and make baby food, don't ask me why I am making my own baby food), and someone to wash a load of laundry a day.  That way all I have to do is help Landan with his "school book", play cars with Carson and hold these sweet babies and listen to them coo and laugh.  I hate that I don't have enough time in my day to get everything done, but I hope that my kids don't remember the dust on the tables, or the piles of laundry, and especially the times when I am tired and stretched and my patience is gone.  I know I want to forget those times too.

a little bit of everything...

So it's been a little while!  Things have been a little busy lately.  I think because the boys have been sleeping longer at night I have had more energy during the day to do more (yes, thats right, my babies are sleeping through the night, whoo hoo)!  Yesterday we went and looked at a house for rent and then went to Chic-fil-a afterwards.  Three months ago I would have cried at the mention of doing either one of these things and I did them both in one morning.  Today we are going out again!  I think I might be slightly crazy for doing this but I feel better when we leave and Landan was in such a better mood while being out.  Somehow I need to do this for all of us.  It really helps us all to have a better mindset.  I think we are going to try to rent the place I went to yesterday.  It is really small, it has small rooms, small closets and really small bathrooms.  I think four years ago I would have laughed at the idea of living in this house.  A lot has changed since then.  It has a small yard, basement and is less than a mile from a big Chic-fil-a with a play area.  All three of these things are crucial for parents of small children.  I am looking forward to living in a small townhome with outdated appliances and small rooms so my kids can have a play room, a yard to play in and a family friendly place to eat AND play.  Its a wild ride and we are thrilled to be on it!

Out and about...

Nothing too exciting to most of the world but in our world yesterday was a very exciting day.  I had been thinking about making a trip out by myself for the past two weeks.  I had planned on going on Tuesday but it was raining, so Wednesday it was.  But sure enough it was threatening to ran that day too, but I had already made my mind up to go.  I started getting ready like two hours before I wanted to head out.  Then I had to think about the best place to go: park, store, mall, they all seemed to overwhelm me.  If we go to the park they could run off and I really can't leave the babies too far to really play with them, so that didn't seem like the best idea.  The mall is such a big place and chances are they are going to want to eat while we are there and I'm not even going to go into how bad of an idea that is.  So my only other option was the store, but now which one?  Obviously I went to Target, the mother ship was calling me home, it had been entirely too long since my last trip.  I really only went to buy two things.  What a joke!  I wanted to find a cart that all four or at least three of the boys could fit in and I could still have room for my stuff.  I don't think there is such a cart.  So we went with the regular cart.  One baby on top, one in the base of the cart which really only left me the very bottom to put my stuff in.  Hopefully this will prevent me from spending too much money.  The boys actually did really good, the babies slept and Landan and Carson stayed relatively close... until the very end.  This is when they started doing laps around me, the cart, and the isle we were in.  Obviously time to go and just in time I had all but filled every nook and cranny of the empty space in the cart.  I bought way more than the two items I went in for and came home with stuff I honestly didn't know I bought.  I think we had six hands buying instead of just two.  All in all it was a victory for the Morris household!  Go me!  Oh and we made it back just before the storm really let loose.

My "new" favorite things...

Top ten things you take for granted before kids:

10.  Hot coffee.  There are some mornings I microwave my coffee three or four times, its just not the same.
9.  T.V.  When you have kids the T.V. no longer belongs to you.  When you try to sneak a few moments that is not on the Disney channel you run the risk of injury or complete chaos breaking out.
8.  An uninterrupted, hot shower.  Finding the time to take a shower that isn't interrupted by one or two of your children is not easy.
7.  A clean house.  Before I had children, I think I cleaned my house once a month.  If we waited for once a month now, I would have a house that belongs on a reality show and would need an intervention.
6.  Saturday afternoons.  There was no limit to what we used to do on Saturday afternoons before kids.  Movies, shopping, napping, talking, going to the beach or even a late lunch or early dinner.
5. Sleep.  You never appreciate how wonderful sleep really is until you have children.  Any kind of sleep; taking a nap, sleeping through the night, or my favorite, sleeping in.  Once you have a child, you appreciate all three of these like they are rare jewels.
4.  Date Night.  Before kids, there is not specified night that is date night, any night can be date night.  Once you have kids, not only do you have to plan the night but you learn to appreciate whatever you can get, whenever you can get it.
3.  Sleep.  Felt like it should be mentioned twice!
2.  Reading.  I still read, its just not the same.  The last three or four books I have "read" (more like skimmed between feedings or naps) have been parenting books.
1.  The number one thing you take for granted before you have kids is..... Going to the bathroom!  I am not sure the last time I went to the bathroom without at least on kid standing at my feet.  The door is rarely shut, and even if it is I have to be prepared for chaos when I get out.  You really can't have a shy "anything" when you are a parent.

These are the things I think I miss the most since having my kids.  I am not sure when I will be able to get these things back or even if I will ever get them back.  I have learned to enjoy all of these things in a different way and have learned to appreciate some 'new' favorite things.
I have learned to accept and even enjoy microwaved coffee.
I can sleep through movies, tv shows and even enjoy catnaps
I have learned to turn the tv off and take the time play with my boys.
My new favorite time of the week is Saturday mornings with all six of us sharing a pancake breakfast and going to the park.
I have learned to not stress over the little messes around the house and to clean as I go.  What doesn't get done, doesn't get done.
Last night we had an impromptu date night.  Went to BJs to buy formula and bananas and then had a sandwich at Panera.  One of the best dates we've had in a long time.
I do however miss going to the bathroom by my self :)

"How are you able to do this?"

Almost every time I go somewhere with the boys or mention that I have four boys under four (with twins) I get the same question:  "How are you doing this?"  I normally give some rather clever response of "um, well, er, I'm not sure."  When I had Landan and Carson I was incredibly emotional for quite some time.  I actually think I might have had postpartum depression or the baby blues that lasted a little longer.  I would cry almost every time I woke up to feed one of them (especially Landan).  I came out of both of the these times okay, so I am convinced now that it was just hormones.  So with all of this in my past, you can imagine the fear of real PPD when I found out about the twins.  Lucas and I would talk all the time about how we would handle it if it happened and what the options were.  I sincerely thought I was going to be a wreak when they were born.  After they were here and we got home I had a few nights of tears but I also had good nights.  Lucas and I would pray that we would focus on the good nights and not so much on the bad.  It hit me yesterday that I can't remember the last time I cried or even why I cried.  I am amazed!  I started to think why this was different this time.  The only thing I can think of is that I have the most amazing husband.  Lucas has been incredible through all of this.  With Landan and Carson I think he might have gotten up a handful of times with them in the middle of the night.  I did most of it on my own (in his defense, I was breast feeding and he was in grad school, worked full time and eventually had to travel for work).  With the twins he has been getting up with me for the last month EVERY night.  I feel like we are in the battle together when we are feeding them together and because we are doing this we both have been getting more sleep and better sleep.  He makes the bottles for the middle of the night feedings, he washes the bottles in the morning before he goes to work, he has been coming home during his lunch break to help me put the big boys down for a nap, he goes grocery shopping for us, he makes me coffee in the morning, he has even made a few meals for us recently, this past weekend he bought me flowers, and just this morning he got up the the babies and let me sleep in.  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  I really believe that God has given me an incredible partner in this life and because of him I have actually had some really good days.  Even the bad days don't seem so bad.  So I need to start telling people who ask me how I am doing this: "I am not doing this alone and couldn't do it, if I didn't have Lucas!"  I will confess that I did start to get emotional this morning when I was thinking of this and how much I have to be grateful for.

I also want to say the postpartum depression is a very real problem and I am grateful I was spared of this.  Most however are not.  I pray that those who are battling this will seek help and that they will have the courage to do so.

I love you so much Lucas!

Psalm 139:13-14

This is what I wrote the morning before I had the twins.  Thought I would share what emotions I was feeling that morning.  I went to bed the night before at midnight and tried to sleep but finally got out of bed at 4:45 and read this scripture and wrote this in my journal.

February 22, 2011              4:54 a.m.

Psalm 139:13-14
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Today is the day we are going to meet Ethan Paul and Evan Michael.  I am incredibly excited, overwhelmed, nervous, and so many other emotions all rolled together.  This is one of my favorite scriptures, especially when I am pregnant.  It makes me appreciate the power of God and his wonderful plan for our lives.  God has great plans and dreams for these little boys and I have the privilege to be their mother and raise them for Him.  God is ultimately in control of all of this (we really learned this lesson seven months ago when we found out I was having twins:)).  We have very little power over how all of this goes today.  My prayer is that God will help me to trust in His plan and to remember that His works are wonderful.  My prayer is also for Ethan and Evan, God knows them, loves them and created them long ago and I get to meet them today.  I hope I can love them the way God wants me to.

After I wrote this I went upstairs got ready to go to the hospital and less than twelve hours later I was holding two very healthy twin boys.  I have not stopped being amazed at God and His wonderful plan for my life.  I have, however, needed to be reminded that I have to trust in God and his plan.

I should be doing laundry...

My life has quickly become all about prioritizing.  I originally thought the title of the this blog should be "I should be doing laundry..."  I found myself numerous times of days prioritizing, one example of a choice I make almost everyday: Is it more important to wash the dishes from breakfast and lunch or should I take a nap?  Another one: Should I put away the basket of clothes or play with Landan and Carson?  Obviously, these are pretty easy choices.  Sometimes I really have a hard time deciding what to do.  What is more important, what will help me make it through the day?  Just last night I had a huge choice to make.  I really needed to shower but for the first time in the six short weeks of the twins life they were both asleep before 10 p.m.  I faced with a choice, which one was higher on my priority list: shower or get a solid two maybe three hours of sleep.  I choose to sleep.  You may think I am crazy but I think you would be crazy to choose the other.  Irony of all ironies I couldn't sleep.  I fell asleep 20 minutes before Ethan and Evan woke up.  So, this morning I am tired and I am still in serious need of a shower.  Sometimes my prioritizing works and sometimes it doesn't, obviously last night it didn't work in my favor.  One thing I have learned since having my boys is that I have very little within my control.  The sooner I realize this the more at peace I will be, not very clean but at least at in peace. :)