"How are you able to do this?"

Almost every time I go somewhere with the boys or mention that I have four boys under four (with twins) I get the same question:  "How are you doing this?"  I normally give some rather clever response of "um, well, er, I'm not sure."  When I had Landan and Carson I was incredibly emotional for quite some time.  I actually think I might have had postpartum depression or the baby blues that lasted a little longer.  I would cry almost every time I woke up to feed one of them (especially Landan).  I came out of both of the these times okay, so I am convinced now that it was just hormones.  So with all of this in my past, you can imagine the fear of real PPD when I found out about the twins.  Lucas and I would talk all the time about how we would handle it if it happened and what the options were.  I sincerely thought I was going to be a wreak when they were born.  After they were here and we got home I had a few nights of tears but I also had good nights.  Lucas and I would pray that we would focus on the good nights and not so much on the bad.  It hit me yesterday that I can't remember the last time I cried or even why I cried.  I am amazed!  I started to think why this was different this time.  The only thing I can think of is that I have the most amazing husband.  Lucas has been incredible through all of this.  With Landan and Carson I think he might have gotten up a handful of times with them in the middle of the night.  I did most of it on my own (in his defense, I was breast feeding and he was in grad school, worked full time and eventually had to travel for work).  With the twins he has been getting up with me for the last month EVERY night.  I feel like we are in the battle together when we are feeding them together and because we are doing this we both have been getting more sleep and better sleep.  He makes the bottles for the middle of the night feedings, he washes the bottles in the morning before he goes to work, he has been coming home during his lunch break to help me put the big boys down for a nap, he goes grocery shopping for us, he makes me coffee in the morning, he has even made a few meals for us recently, this past weekend he bought me flowers, and just this morning he got up the the babies and let me sleep in.  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  I really believe that God has given me an incredible partner in this life and because of him I have actually had some really good days.  Even the bad days don't seem so bad.  So I need to start telling people who ask me how I am doing this: "I am not doing this alone and couldn't do it, if I didn't have Lucas!"  I will confess that I did start to get emotional this morning when I was thinking of this and how much I have to be grateful for.

I also want to say the postpartum depression is a very real problem and I am grateful I was spared of this.  Most however are not.  I pray that those who are battling this will seek help and that they will have the courage to do so.

I love you so much Lucas!

Psalm 139:13-14

This is what I wrote the morning before I had the twins.  Thought I would share what emotions I was feeling that morning.  I went to bed the night before at midnight and tried to sleep but finally got out of bed at 4:45 and read this scripture and wrote this in my journal.

February 22, 2011              4:54 a.m.

Psalm 139:13-14
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Today is the day we are going to meet Ethan Paul and Evan Michael.  I am incredibly excited, overwhelmed, nervous, and so many other emotions all rolled together.  This is one of my favorite scriptures, especially when I am pregnant.  It makes me appreciate the power of God and his wonderful plan for our lives.  God has great plans and dreams for these little boys and I have the privilege to be their mother and raise them for Him.  God is ultimately in control of all of this (we really learned this lesson seven months ago when we found out I was having twins:)).  We have very little power over how all of this goes today.  My prayer is that God will help me to trust in His plan and to remember that His works are wonderful.  My prayer is also for Ethan and Evan, God knows them, loves them and created them long ago and I get to meet them today.  I hope I can love them the way God wants me to.

After I wrote this I went upstairs got ready to go to the hospital and less than twelve hours later I was holding two very healthy twin boys.  I have not stopped being amazed at God and His wonderful plan for my life.  I have, however, needed to be reminded that I have to trust in God and his plan.

I should be doing laundry...

My life has quickly become all about prioritizing.  I originally thought the title of the this blog should be "I should be doing laundry..."  I found myself numerous times of days prioritizing, one example of a choice I make almost everyday: Is it more important to wash the dishes from breakfast and lunch or should I take a nap?  Another one: Should I put away the basket of clothes or play with Landan and Carson?  Obviously, these are pretty easy choices.  Sometimes I really have a hard time deciding what to do.  What is more important, what will help me make it through the day?  Just last night I had a huge choice to make.  I really needed to shower but for the first time in the six short weeks of the twins life they were both asleep before 10 p.m.  I faced with a choice, which one was higher on my priority list: shower or get a solid two maybe three hours of sleep.  I choose to sleep.  You may think I am crazy but I think you would be crazy to choose the other.  Irony of all ironies I couldn't sleep.  I fell asleep 20 minutes before Ethan and Evan woke up.  So, this morning I am tired and I am still in serious need of a shower.  Sometimes my prioritizing works and sometimes it doesn't, obviously last night it didn't work in my favor.  One thing I have learned since having my boys is that I have very little within my control.  The sooner I realize this the more at peace I will be, not very clean but at least at in peace. :)